


Bucky Barnes Diaries

by DaveCurlstaine



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Brainwashing, Brock Rumlow is Caring, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Diary/Journal, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Stucky - Freeform, Tony Stark Has A Heart, winteriron
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-07-23 01:18:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7460934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaveCurlstaine/pseuds/DaveCurlstaine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Steve it's so stupid. I'm fucking 99 and I won't keep a diary!"<br/>"Yes Bucky you will. It's good for your memory. You can't get it done only eating plums, dude!"</p><p>Bucky wants to remember everything about himself and his roommate and best friend with benefits helps him with his advices but Bucky finds one so stupid that he does it with much pleasure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beggining

**Author's Note:**

> It's an au where the Civil War never happened and the Avengers at peace. Bucky is a normal person but he needs someone to love him. #Gİve BuckyABoyfriend
> 
> also check my ig , because this fic is based on my account, @buckybarnesdiaries

"Dude hell no!" Bucky said, putting his hands up to support his disagreement.

"Why not Buck? It will help-" 

"I have plums so no worries Steven." Bucky cut off his sentence and took a big bit of his plum and smirked. Steve sighed and frowned.

"Bucky... It wouldn't hurt anyone." he sat beside Bucky, ran his hand over his long hair.

"It will Steve, it will. And it would be my diginity." Steve smiled at this.

"I promise I won't read your diaries." he put his arm on his shoulder. Bucky gave him a nod ... then..

"Dude I'm the fucking Winter Soldier. I've trained to hide and destroy so good luck to find my diaries." Steve's heart skip a beat

"So you have a few?" and Bucky crackes up to it

"YOU CAN'T FIND SOMETHING NON-EXISTED" he laughed so hard that whole building might hear him. 

It hurt Steve. Usually he didn't give a fuck if someone didn't like his idea because they had to do it, pros of being Cap. But Bucky was one of a kind, a big deal, biggest asshole in the whole universe and his best friend.. with some encounters. Being rejected by Bucky hurt him because his idea was woth to consider.

"At least think about it?" Steve pouted softly and put his best puppy eyes on.

"Steve it's so stupid. I'm fucking 99 and I won't keep a diary!"

"Yes Bucky you will. It's good for your memory. You can't get it done only eating plums, dude!"

"We do more than eating plums, hello? We do have yoga classes and have friends there, we have a steady and healty sex life, we do mountain climbing and solve these puzzles like 5 years olds and the list goes on." Bucky wore his defence look and looked away.

"Okay you're right. What about I say no sex until you get a notebook and create an entry per a day?"

"You're bullshitting." Bucky gaped.

"No. I'm not." Steve said as he leaned back and steched his arms so his muscles would define more than ever. "It's getting too hot here.. all of a sudden." he said when he pulled off his shirt over his head and clenched his abs. Bucky was definetly drooling and becoming excited.

"Don't blackmail me over it. You know it's not fair." he whined and reached for Steve's nipples, Steve didn't pull away. Didn't even move a muscle, just kept his eyes on Bucky's 

"You know if I get hard I can jack off." Steve took the game another level. Leaned in to Bucky's ear and whispered "Jack off right here and all you can do is just watch and see how a month of sex slipped away from your reach." Bucky swallowed, hard.

"Okay you won. I will. But only for important events and notable memories. Not everyday not like a teenager girl for fucks sake."

"Deal". Steve grinned. Man, this will be so good, he thought.


	2. New Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky writes his first entry. For more, check instagram.com/buckybarnesdiaires

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All fiction, never happened.

Bucky stared at the blnak, white page of the notebook he bought. He was debating between to begin with "Dear Diary" or not writing like a storyteller; just list down things. His palms were already sweating and it was hard to keep his grip on the pen.

Of course there was a lot to write, way more than it should. He didn't know where to start, what to write. Found himself worrying about the notebooks mental health if he'd write _everything_ there.And for a moment he questioned his mental state for thinking the freking notebook will really _judge_ him.

So finally he wrote the first toppic:

-> My full name is James Buchanan Barnes.

_"Bucky?" Steve said, shocked to see me for the first time in 70 years. I remembered him in a second but I was the Winter Soldier. I was on mission. I was infailable and I wouldn't fail because it meaned punishment to me and Brock would watch. They'd make him watch me punished, hurt, brainwashed. So I continued ; "Who the hell is Bucky?" because it was the Asset on the field, not Bucky. They sent him away decades ago_

->Steve was too thin before the super soldier serum (now he is huge and smoking hot but its between us)

I remember him being so thin and so sick. He had asthma and because of it he couldn't work out, so his body was thin and weak. And my mission was to protect his brave ass from fights that he pulled himself in. He was such a punk. Oh and we were broke as hell you know? I'd work hard to earn money to buy food. Food was too expensive back in these days...That's why Steve was almost everytime sick. Food was lacking and sometimes there wasn't any.

But when the serum came to game.. Jesus, I could never imagine him being that hansdome and kinda capturing you know? Let's make it clear; we're still best friends but with a regular sex life because why not? He's hot, I'm hotter :) It's just we trust eachother so much. There's a friendly love. Sometimes I find myslef thinking if we had a romantic relationship but nah, he's so much of a " Do whatever I say" type of man. Hates to driven nuts. I'm an asshole sometimes, can't help it.

->HYDRA has replaced my arm with the cybernetic one (thanks by the way its kinda cool and hey, better than none) but things they put me through is awful. They freezed me and unfreezed when they needed

I'm kinda thankful but mostly hate them. Because they're bad guys y'know? They're the reason I suffered. I felt like a... a bowl of leftover that no one wanted to eat but every night unfreezed , hoping someone would eat and everyone could get rid of it... but touched by no one anyway. Left aside, alone and cold.

->When I wasn't in freezer, my only support was Brock Rumlow (we were kinda boyfriends) he's the only thing that kept me insane but he's dead now.

I remember the first time I saw him. He was so god alike and looked so... charming. He carved his face to my ming in the first second. How hard they'd wipe my brain, he'd still be there. Somehow we found ourselves drinking and dancing together at HYDRA Trash Parties. If the mission succeed, STRIKE Team'd throw a party. Man, that was a total filth. Me, being the super soldier, couldn't get drunk so I'd carry Brock to his cell-like-room.

It was a big "success" that night. So party was bigger. For the first time, he didn't drink. Didn't dance. Just sat. Then asked my company for the night, to escort to his room. To be honest, he was the only one treated me like a human. He was such a kind person actually..and good. The reason he was working for HYDRA, was his children. He had 2 beautiful kids. A girl and a boy. His ex wife made a stupid move and when he was hiding, she went straight to Rollins and Rollins used his kids' lives to keep in duty. I've seen his kids twice. When we were returnng to Siberia, he took me with him. Sokovia was where they were from. He was the best father I've ever seen. ANyway let's go back to the things he did for me; he risked his all to help me escape and I eard that they brainwashed him too. The guilt haunts me evrerytime. The night he didn't dring the first and the last time in his life, he confessed e his feelings.

"Your name is Bucky, I know because I saw your file before. You're not the Asset, non an object, a tool to use to me. You're a lot more. I know what you've been, I saw it. I don't think you deserve this. Everytime they unfreeze you I'm on the very front row. It's like watching you wake up. Your skin turns pale white to its nautal glow, your lips turn cherry red from icy blue. It's like watching the god create the most beautiful thing. I wish they wouldn't freeze you tonight. If they knew how much I love you...how much I care about you and the things I'd do for you... I love you Bucky." he finished his sentence and kissed me. Sometimes they'd let me stay awake because the all freezing thing affected my metal arm. It was the biggest mistake they ever have done. The more Brock stuffed candy wrapper between the metal arm, the more it became sensitive to cold so they gave up on freezing me and Brıcj became my full time handler. Of course he was careful enough to remove candy wraps. Once they discovered our relationship, they'd make Brock watch me brainwashng by my trigger words. He was so different, so special to me. Not as Steve but he was something I could lean on. He was strong and gentle. People trembled everytime he passed by. I miss him. A lot.

->Steve has an apartment next to that Sharon girl (which I hate because she's kinda too sneaky around and treats me like I don't exist)

Yes the bitcch thinks she's the only one Steve ever laid his eyes on but I remember the beloved Peggy and she's not even the 1% of her. Peggy was strong, knew what she wanted and no matter what happens she'dd take it. But Sharon? No, just a selfish bitch. That's why Steve broke up with her. When she suggested me to find an apartment seperated from Steve, Cap was so irritated like me. Three days later they had a fight for it and Sharon lost. I don't like her. Mr. Zemo seems more symphatic to me (lol no regretZ)

->Nasasha was my girlfriend back in Siberia but we broke up when we realised I'm into men

I don't remember such things about Nat but as she told me, we dated so little. Then she noticed my interests and she wasn't even a bit offended because she is thw sweetest girl you can ever met. Instead she was happy becasue me, as a brainwashed assasin, discovered something about myself. Not that she isn't hot, my dear friend is on fire but I don't swing that way.She's the best girl I've ever meet and the second is Wanda. She reminds me Brook somehow. The way she becomes overprotective when someone she cared put themselves in danger. So giving. She's practically Steve and I's daughter. Always ask us to do something she considered risky. I'm so proud to have these two around.

-> I used to have short hair and no beard

Steve showed me our old photos. When it was 40's. Thank to the supersoldier serum we don't age but there was my innocence in those photos. And I was like a forest fire damnit.

 

Bucky closed his diary and put it in his drawer. Turned around and saw Steve leaning against the doorframe, smiling at him.

"Already writing, huh?" he came closer. Steve noticed the frown on Bucky's face no matter how hard he tried to hide it. "What's the matter?" Steve asked.

"Nothing. I just- just kinda missed you." Bucky hugged his waist. Buried his head to Steve's neck and took a deep breath to feel his smell. Steve didn't have to ask what was making him upset and down like this. He already knew. He was missing Brock. 

To find out Brock attacked him in that elevator was only to protect Bucky devastated him. He even cried for it. He knew the feeling. He experienced it when Bucky fell off the train. It was crawling up inside of him whenever he saw Bucky's arm. Guilt. Regret. Sorrow. Emptiness. Longing. 

Brock sacrificed his life for Bucky, for his _love_   
He didn't.

"Promise me." Bucky sniffled. Obviously he was crying.

"I promise." Steve whispered into his hair.

" You didn't even listen what I was gonna say."

"Whatever you wish is my comman. And I promise to fulfill it."

"You're the best I could ever have." Bucky looked up and thanked him silently. It was their way to communicate. Let the blue eyes meet and see the rest of the world vanish, see them talk.

"Let's make you some chocolate milk." Steve cut the tension.

***~****


End file.
